Make room for thoughts…. Allow space for truth…

          Mom’s sister’s eldest son. Around 5 years old this year. Physically retarded. Was born this way. Weak limbs. Normally lies in bed. Couldn’t walk. Very thin and sick. Can’t eat properly. Got babysitter took care of him. Fed him. Bathed him. Parents took him to see doctors. Brought him to physiotherapy sessions to build up his body. Sad childhood. Got 1 brother and 1 sister. They are happy, lively and active. Eat well, play and learn. Imagine yourself always in bed and your brother and sister are enjoying themselves. Recently, he became better and healthier.

          Then, he died. Yesterday. It’s a matter of time. Just didn’t think it would be so fast. Apparently, the babysitter was feeding him. Gave him a rather big tablespoonful of rice. He choked. Then died. The doctor discovered a lump of rice stuck in his throat during the post mortem. He couldn’t breathe. Sad right. So sayang. I thought it has something to do with his spastic condition. Spastic children must be well taken care of. Even while they are eating. Because they are weak, they are slightly slower. So can’t expect them to chew and swallow like normal person. Everyone should go visit SCAS & FT. See how the spastic children live their lives. You would be surprise to see them so happy, even happier than you. Their lives and world are so pure. They cherish their moments, learnings and they like to meet new people. I think my nephew had a weak heart……

            My grandmother died while she was eating as well. When my uncle went to see her, he saw her face laid on top of a rice bowl. He thought she pengsan, but actually she passed away. About one month b4 she died, she was in the hospital. She accidentally fell down the stairs and i think she knocked her head. THen, she encountered memory loss. She couldn’t remember who we were and she was acting like a child. Shouting. Manja-ing ( didn’t want to eat and all), claiming my aunty is her mother in law ( my aunty was her daughter in law).The worst part was seeing how my mom, my aunt n my uncle took the things that went their way. Funeral was sad. We cried and some paople tried to copy down the number plate of a paper car we were burning for my grandma.

          On the last night of the chinese funeral day, we went to my grandmas’ house. Settling things and packing. I was sitting in the living room. Everyone was busy with something. My grandma’s room’s door was slightly open. I heard a faint crying sound. Not just once. A few times. I checked to see whether anyone hear it. I saw everyone was in the living room. My aunts, uncles, nephew, mom, dad………. Then, my aunt entered my grandma’s room to take something. I went and saw nobody inside. Shiver ran down my spine. I told my mom later. She told me when my dad’s mom died when i was around 3 to 4 years old. When i went to the funeral, i cried very loudly. Everbody was stunned. Me being a 3 year old kid who knew nothing. But my grandma really sayang me wan la. So everybody started showing their emotions, they cried after they saw a kid who knew nothing cried. Then in one occasion, when my parents and my relatives were talking about my grandma. Then i said and pointed a finger to one direction saying that grandma was there in the corner. I was very young also la that time. IN my old house in Serdang, sometimes a brown moth will come visit me n my bros when we were studying in the study room. It came like certain days in a year. When it comes, it comes quite often then it diasppears. It happened every year. My mom used to say it’s my grandpa or grandma came to see whether we were studying or not. But sometimes, it goes up to my bedroom! But i was accustomed to it.

           There are quite a few other things that i encountered. But i’m leaving it for next time.

             I feel that people are taking advantage of me.

                   I’m trying to find the line that separates

                   me being easy going and me being used.

                                        Silent thoughts

                                        Silent anger

                                        Silent wonder

                                        Silent meanings

                                        Silent tears

                                        Silent wishes

                                        Silent hopes

                                        Silent fears

                                        Silent voice

                                        Silent opinions

                                        Silent hatred

                                        Silent love

                                        Silent relief

                                        Silent aggression

                                        Silent findings

                                        Silent lips

                                        Silent passion

                                        Silent force

                                        Silent chase

                                        Silent sleep

            It’s a chance that i’ll miss because of what i didn’t do in the past. It’s too late for regrets. There might be other similar chances in the near future. ( i’m just telling myself to look on the bright side. hehe)

             Watched this Taiwanese show, about solving people’s problems. It’s a reality show where people will go there so that some ‘jurys’ will help to solve their problems. Whatever kinds of problems. I used to watch this show every evening because you’ll get to see people arguing, scolding in foul languages, fighting ( i really saw people tumbuk each other in the stomach, face), slapping each others’ face ( this is more popular among the girls), crying, pengsan, gone ‘crazy’, etc etc. My mom used to think that those people were actors or actresses because where got people tak tahu malu wan? But i think they are real people with real problems. For eg, wife slept with her husband’s father, guy having relationships with 3 girls at the same time, hamsap guy molested girlfriend’s ( a divorced woman) daughter, mother didn’t want her daughter to marry her boyfriend because he was not Hakka, a couple who wanted to get married somehow found out that they were half brother and sister ( the mom of the guy used to date the dad of the gal) , gay/lesbian couples not approved by their parents and lots more……Some were really nonsense but some were really sad, like this particular one that i just watched.

           One guy, one girl, got married and had a son. A few years later, the guy went to USA to study. The girl stayed in Taiwan to take care of the son, mother in law and earned money to support their lives. She worked as a GRO because she needed the money to support the family and her husband in USA ( she wanted her husband to have a better future and hoped that he could earn more with a degree after he come back to Taiwan), Apparently, the husband didn’t come back to Taiwan. Somehow, the husband asked the wife to sign a divorce letter. And the wife signed it ( i dunno for what reason, missed that part of the show). So in the end, the guy married a Taiwanese girl in US. She is a rich girl from a wealthy family, the guy works for her father in a big company, and according to her, he will be promoted as the manager when they go back to the US after settling his problem here in Taiwan. The ladies fought over the guy but the guy said he doesn’t love the wife in Taiwan anymore. Then his son ( the son he left with his taiwanese wife when he went to US who is now 9 years old) begged him to stay in Taiwan and that he doesn’t want to follow him and his US wife back to US. He cried until so cham, and the Taiwanese wife also begged him to divorce the US wife so that they can have a perfect family together. The Taiwanese wife actually waited for 11 years for him to come back ( they were actually quite poor, so she said guy actually like the money more than the US wife herself). Then the mother of the guy came onto the show and slapped her son and claimed she doesn’t have a son like that.The US wife also one kind wan. Ish. And then alot of blah blah blahs……

          In the end, he chose to leave with the US wife. Picture the scene : the son cried like mad, begging his father to stay, the taiwanese wife also begged him, the guy’s mother( she actually made him kneel in the show when she tegur him) just asked the cucu and her cucu’s mom to not bother about her son anymore because she claimed that she doesn’t have a son like that, the guy held  his US wife’s ( young spoilt rich bimbo with big boobs) hands and left the recording studio. I so want to belasah that guy!

        Geram betul! And the jury said it was a terrible ending and he said that the guy will eventually regret at one point of his life ( it may even be the moment before he will rest in peace forever) that he didn’t fulfill his responsiblities and his greed for money and fame that turned a perfect family into a broken one.

                   Pisces          Feb 19 - Mar 20

Lucky day: Thursday/ Lucky Colour: Yellow/ Lucky No.: 8

What do we have here? An angry Pisces on truth serum. You feel cheated , emotionally chafed and claustrophobic. No need for weapons though - when words can wound so well. Just take care with what you say, or damage could be irreversible.  Is that what you really want?

          This was in the Horoscopes section in the Sunday Star Newspapers’, which is today’s. Normally i don’t believe or care what’s in the horoscopes section. But after i posted my last post which is ‘ Wanting to be accepted or wanting the sense of belonging’, i was reading the newspapers and eating lunch. Then i felt guilty after reading the horoscope. I thought i might have offended some people’s feelings. About the stereotypes part in the post. So i’m now apologising to those who might feel offended because of what i said. Sorry. Now i realise there might be a large number of people whose feelings i might have hurt. It’s irreversible and i don’t plan to delete the post. What is done cannot be undone. Don’t let my words get to you.

            The intention of me having a blog is to express myself in words. I don’t usually write about everyday life or happenings but i usually write about what i feel and think, how i feel about certain things and what i think is right and wrong. You can say i like to voice out my opinions. No matter it is inside or beyond the boundary. hehe. So forgive me ya if i hurt your feelings. Just think that it’s a crazy 19 year old girl who likes to write crazy things.

           i don’t really hide what i really feel or what i want to say. My blog is an outlet for me to say what i want  to say. I know you all think my posts always so emo one rite. Coz well, again i told u b4, it’s a place i express myself. It’s different from other people’s blog i guess. haha. i guess i want to fulfill my other ambitions, to become a politician ( it’s corrupted in the real world, so no point) and to be a founder of a women organisation ( Something like WAO). *blushes*. Well, my another ambition is to become a travel host like Samantha Brown ( Passport to Europe). I mean what could be better if your work is traveling and researching about places and culture! Cool rite? But i don’t want to become a tour guide though. Stressful and STRESSFUL.

      These are the things that u care without you really knowing. I think everyone has this experience before. Some probably have thought or experienced this numerous times. It doesn’t show that you have a problem but it shows that you are normal. You are trying to be like the person or people you like ( by talking like them, eating like them, doing things like them or shitting like them) and hopefully you are accepted by them. The society is like that now. Then you realised whether you have lost yourself. YOur identity, your uniqueness, your very own personality ( maybe they said you have no personality so you start to create personalities which are not you yourself - but how can you force yourself to do that? you know it’s not you and i don’t think you’ll be happy being that person).

          What else? If not the word Stereotypes. The nerds, chicks, weirds, Chinese ( i mean cina pek, lala…… and what make us? Westernised chinese or the higher class chinese? bullshit. They are the ones that stick to their roots. They know what’s happening in Asia, chinese culture, listen to chinese music n watching chinese movies. I don’t mean we can’t watch western films or listen to english songs. But we can’t criticise them or brand them as lala or cina pek coz they live , eat , sleep chinese! I mean we chinese should be doing that too rite? And when you say they are lala bcoz of their fashion sense or the way they look, look at yourself. What’s the difference underneath all the clothes n make up? No. Because you are a chinese also, you are a human also, you are just like any one of us or them.Wealth doesn’t really separate people. You can’t judge other people’s fashion sense! Ok, then you’ll say you are trying to keep up with what’s happening globally and English is the international language and whatever that you can find in USA is way much cooler. I agree western things are cool, their culture is cool, but chinese culture is what we should be proud of.Depends on how one sees things, chinese culture is cool as well. It has alot of history. I’m not asking everyone to embrace their culture or anything but to try to appreciate what you are and your culture. You can be an English- speaking chinese who listens to english music. watch western movies, eat burgers and fries. But at the end of the day, you know who you are, your culture, your history and i think self realisation is really important. You can study in overseas and be like the people in that country but you can’t forget your identity. That will gain you respect and difference in a good way.) Didn’t know i can write so long for an example. haha.

        By the way, i was wondering why am i different from my high school friends.I mean they seem to have alot of clubbing experiences and are involved in many other activities. They dress more nicely and trendier. Some of them are the IT people. They are the ones that everyone wants to talk to.They seem to have more fun. So do i feel smaller?  Do i feel i missed out something? Yes and no. Of course i want to have the fun and live trendy! Who doesn’t? But i think because of what i study makes me different than others. Architecture takes up alot of my time and slowly architecture is my life. What you see, eat and sleep is architecture. We bring cameras around so that we can take pictures of buildings or stuffs that have to do with deisgn or architecture. We read architecture books and magazines. Things remind us about architecture, models, drawing etc. We talk about Dubai and famous architects. We go to architecture camps. We attend architecture events and lectures. We go to the art gallery to get inspiration.  We look at things differently from other people - concepts, context, substainability, urban, bla bla bla. Some buildings remind us of buildings done by tadao ando, mies, zaha hadid n etc. And some of the greatest architects become our idols ( it would be funny if an architecture student join a pageant or something and in the Q and A session, if they ask which person she looks up to and if she answers the name of an architect, let’s say Frank Lloyd Wright and elaborate on his work and how he sees architecture, it would be really funny. I’m sure the crowd would go blur! haha). No one can really understand architecture unless they are architects or architecture students themselves. That’s what makes architecture more interesting. It’s comes with ALOT of challenges as well, which makes life become more REAL.

        I feel that i’m different from other people ( as in not architecture student or graduates or architects) I’m glad that i’m learning these things and they really widen my knowledge. I discovered alot of things and like architecture as it is (not when it is more businesslike or when money comes first). When you interact with other fellow architecture students, you feel that they all are the same species as you. haha!

         Chris Lee and Billie Tsien are now  in my list of architects who i admire. Tadao Ando is the first in the list. Haha.Chris Lee is because what he said makes a lot of sense and how he answered the question in the forum shows that he has a really great understanding of urban architecture. Plus he graduated from AA London! Kapil Gupta’s works are impressive as well. Billie Tsien is just a really great architect. She said that the reason why so many ppl chose architecture is because they want to realise their dreams and create spaces or buildings that are what they think should be or something like that. Her philosohies are  great. I like her talk on Art & Use and Slow Discovery ( sounds like Luis Barragan). But i am yet to learn about positive and negative spaces. And i find the Museum of American Folks Art in New York is very interesting. It’s very true ( true as in the building is really true, i duno how to explain it. hehe). It’s simple but it hits the right spot. How she pays attention to details and fabric and materials are what i admire her most. PLus, it’s really interesting that how she and her hubbie wants to make buildings that hide and also reveal itself. How they want to separate the building from the rest but also be apart of the family. Urban design fascinates me as well. The field itself is just outrageous! How it influence the cityscapes, the quality of people’s lives make it very important.

               It is fascinating how simple designs can win people over. It’s not always complicated and show offy designs  that make people go ‘wow’. Maybe for those who don’t really understand and appreciate. I wonder how lecturers grade designs. Is it the form? Is it depends on how interesting it looks? Or is it its function? I’m sure being a lecturer is a very difficult job coz different students have different style and languages in their designs. What makes a grade A student? it’s very subjective actually.

           " The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. "      Eleanor Roosevelt

   Work is ok, the people are ok, the learning experience is ok but the office is not quite ok. It smells of smoke! Most of them are smokers and although they don’t smoke in the office ( they smoke outside the office, which is near the ‘kitchen’) but when they open their mouths and talk, i just can’t tahan la. Sorry, i’m not trying to offend anyone here but it’s really quite bad. When i go into the office every morning, i notice how different the air is compare to outside. My nose will start tingling (coz my nose is quite sensitive) and i feel unwell sometimes. Plus after they smoke, the smell stick with them. Furthermore, the ventilation in the office is pretty bad, the office has not many openings. Probably there’s only one window in the boss’es room and the other one in the kitchen. We need fresh air people!PLus the computers are on like more than 8 hours a day. That’s why the air quality is bad. There are 10 or more computers in the small space. We need proper space planning people! haha.

         I’ve been taking train from seri petaling station to masjid jamek and then transfer from masjid jamek to klcc and then walk from there to my office. The whole journey to my work place takes around 1 hour or more ( depends). The most sien part is that we need to line up while waiting for train in masjid jamek. And the queue is always VERY long. Most of the time la. Fortunately, trains come quite frequently. But we usually wait for the train like 20 to 30 minutes max. And the journey from masjid jamek to klcc is probably like 7 minutes. Aisehhhhhhhh……………

         Ooo, by the way, when we are able to find seats in the train, we are so happy. But when the person sit next to you is a guy, well you will cross your leg and make sure his legs don’t touch yours. Coz most of the guys open their legs very wide and they don’t notice that the lady or girl beside is trying hard to sit comfortably when they are just relaxing there with their legs wide apart! Sorry if it sounds obscene. Oh well. There was once where there were two guys sitting together and me beside one of them, their legs were wide open, and i tried to sit comfortably and made sure i my legs don’t touch his. Then when they left, three people came and sat on their place. Now you know, their legs can take up to another persons’ space! All i want to say is bertimbang rasa la! Kesian the girl next to you oso. Too much d these people. That’s not the only experience i had, there’s another one but similar la. So no need to say.

         But i met a gentleman today! A rare species! Especially in Malaysia! I was trying to get inside the train in Masjid Jamek, but i was trying to go in from the sides. Then the guy next to me let me in first by gesturing his hand! In a gentlemanly way of course. I was surprise. Coz most people there usually push their way in or sometimes they don’t even wait for the people in the train to come out first and then only make their way inside. he wasn’t really rushing like the rest. Kudos to him! and thanks again. I think i nodded my head and said a faint ‘thank you’ ( me surprise mah).

      Shit! I am a sucker for ‘gentlemanly’ guys! The guy who offered to help carry my friend’s luggage and even piggy back her was a real gentleman oso  ( Tall Island trip). Coz my friend’s leg got problem that time. He really piggy back-ed her although he’s quite a stranger to us. Ey, jun hao, i’m not bluffing u! Don’t say that i use that so that u will piggy back yann ee. hahahaa. Oooo, i despise guys who fake to be gentlemen but are actually really miang! You think wahlau eh how can see o…… But actually it’s all in the eyes…… muahahaah!

        Me giler d